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It’s New Years Day. I am in Tempe, Arizona. I didn’t wake up until 11 am… Yawn… Stretch… I feel like a cat.

It was 72 degrees by 1pm. It’s a beautiful way to start the New Year, except… Spud has to take something to an account.

But wait… The account is the Biltmore Hotel… One of the absolute Premier Resorts in all of the land! Really.

On Expedia.com they have the following description:

“Once accessible by invitation only, this Phoenix resort is set on 39 acres of manicured gardens and tiled pools, a half-mile from Wrigley Mansion and less than 4 miles from Camelback Mountain.”

OK. I just have to say this. Where I come from, mountains are in ranges… and some of them explode violently. This is not a mountain. Camelback Dirt Clod maybe… but Mountain? I think not.

There. I have said it.

I feel better.

Back to the Biltmore.

On Wikipedia they say that the following people have stayed there… Meaning I stepped on the same ground as they did, which would not even be close to going over to Jerusalem, or Egypt, but still, pretty frikkin cool.

Here’s the list:

Fred Astaire (pretty cool), Mike Francesa (uh, who?), Joan Bennett (pretty cool), Irving Berlin (cool), Samantha Brown - this hotel was featured on her Travel Channel show Great Hotels (very cool, I really like her, but she is paid to say good things about a place…), Laura Bush (not cool), James Cagney (really, really cool), Hollywood studio executive Harry Cohn, who died here (ick… that’s like my brother staying in the hotel room where Sid Killed Nancy… which he did!) Walter Cronkite (shrug), Bing Crosby (pretty cool) Michael J. Fox (suddenly I want to donate money) Vicente Fox (Who?), Ava Gardner (cool), Barry Goldwater (shrug), Art Griggs (shrug), Tony Hawk (Sorta cool, but only because he made money skateboarding!), Paul Hamilton (who?), Evander Holyfield (before or after the ear incedent?), Bob Hope (really cool), John McCain (I need a shower), Reba McEntire (cool), The New York Mets baseball team (can you say ‘Pool Party’), Marilyn Monroe (Incredibly Cool) Martha Raye (who?), Nancy Reagan (where was Ronnie?), Edward G. Robinson (cool) Sarah Palin (who cares?), and Spencer Tracy (Very cool, but cooler if Lauren Bacall were with him).

We decide to take full advantage of this interruption in our day off to ‘Do Lunch’, so we pack up the truck and head out.

Spud delivers the goods, and we decide to ‘Do Lunch” poolside, by the swim-up bar, and the 92 foot water slide. The grounds are beautiful. There are putting greens everywhere, and even a life-sized chess game in the grass.

The Resort’s own website describes the restaurant as follows:

Cabana Club, a poolside restaurant and swim-up bar, offers a variety of light salads, seafood, specialty sandwiches and exotic bar concoctions. Located next to our 92 foot waterslide, this is a great place to bring the children for lunch. Our kids’ menu carries child-friendly portions of Macaroni & Cheese, Sandwiches, Hot Dogs and array of desserts. The Cabana Club Restaurant is open daily. Cocktails are also available.

Specialty Sandwiches (Spud)? Seafood (Me)? Rock on!

We were able to choose our own table, and I sat in as much of the sun as possible. They had really nice linen napkins, and heavy silverware… always indicators of a good meal.

I ordered the Tacos de Mojarra: Crispy fried cod fillet, wrapped in a soft flour tortilla, with spicy cabbage slaw, chile remoulade sauce… $14.00… I love Fish Tacos!

Spud ordered the speacialty sandwich of the day, Tuna, with seasonal fruit.

Can I just say this? This Biltmore experience is one of the reasons that compelled me to learn how to cook. I can not stand to go to a restaurant and overpay for crappy food.

Did I say Crappy?

Yes! Resoundingly Crappy. We paid $40.00+ for a meal I could have cooked at home for $5.00… Seriously.

First: I can understand that a pool restaurant wants to avoid glass. Glass around a pool is a nightmare. Our sodas were served in clear plastic cups, but our meal was served on ceramic plates (?).

My fish tacos were a lump of deep fried fish where the tell tale signs of old fry oil were too apparrent. Very dark, and very oily. The ’spicy cabbage slaw’ was not slaw. It was dry coleslaw out of a bag with a little bit of Pico de Gallo thrown in. The salsa came in a plastic ‘to go’ sauce container, as did the remoloude.

An aside: There are some very nice plastic ramekins, or side sauce containers that don’t look like ‘to go containers’.

I didn’t pay attention to the menu description, but remoulade is a mayonaisse based dish. Fish tacos should have some sour cream in them… 1/2 sour cream (or more) and maybe 1/2 with mayo if you like it a little sweeter. It should also have a heavy cilantro taste, a light lime taste, as well as some heat. The sauce they served is sort of like a Mexi-tarter sauce. Way too sweet.

The salsa (also served in a plastic to go container), is the same salsa that I have had in a hundred Mexican Restaurants… so nothing unexected, or 4-5 star there…

OK. When you are a 4-5 Star resort, you should surprise my pallete.

Spud got the ‘Specialty Sandwich of The Day… There were no questions about what kind of bread it should be served on… so it was simply a tuna sandwich on white bread.

Really? It came out on simple white bread but it was about 1 and a half inches thick of some sort of tuna mixture. Tuna out of the can mixed with mayo, and sweet (ick) relish, and god knows what. This would be the Dagwood of poor taste Tuna Sandwiches… With a side of fruit served in a larger plastic ‘to go’ container.

For $40.00 bucks I would expect Fish Tacos with fish, sauteed in some kind of green enchilada sauce, with a sourcream/mayo based cilantro slaw, and a Mango pico de gallo, with a touch of gaucomole, and a side of chips and a homemade salsa.

The ‘Specialty Tuna Sandwich’ should have been seared tuna crumbled and mixed lightly with Mayo, capers, salt and pepper, and perhaps some dill…. or Cilantro… or basil… Just give me something!

Yes, that is my cry for the night. When I go out to eat… When I pay for a meal… When I pay more that I would at Burger King…. please, at least, try.