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When I was a kid, an Irish Catholic kid, Thanksgiving was huge. More than huge… It was a gathering of enormous porportions! The crowd was larger than any other holiday of the year. At one point, my mother, along with her two sisters, and their husbands, herded a flock of 23 children.

Yes. It was 23 children against 6 adults…And no. Back in those days. Incredibly. We didn’t always win.

The years saw the crowd dwindle as we grew older, got girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, wives, and children of our own.

As much as our parents tried to keep the tradition alive by keeping it interesting (dressing up as Indians and Pilgrims was amusing…) the divided needs of multiple extended families won out.

Never in my life did I think the crowd would dwindle to just two, but this Thanksgiving, it did.

Scheduling demands, distance, and the economy have all contributed… but we are resiliant and, come hell or highwater… we forged ahead.

Thanksgiving was had.

I picked a 13 pound bird because I am me, and because a turkey should be a lot bigger than a damned chicken. I also know that there are so many things to make with leftover turkey that I just couldn’t bring myself to go any lower in size.

Two days ago, I was planning on the Turkey 101 of roasting that I have always been successful at, but for some reason, Thanksgiving morning, I woke up with the ‘Rotisserie Idea’.

In and of itself, this was not a bad idea. I have an old fashioned, indoor, Farberware Rotisserie that has done many a chicken incredibly well. Unfortunately, the logistics of a 4.5 pound chicken versus a 13 pound turkey eluded even me.

I bought a frozen turkey at only .47 cents a pound… so it was a great deal. The Turkey legs were already trussed with that wire thing they sometimes come with. I thawed it, wrapped in it’s shrink wrap, in a bath of water, dutifully draining and refilling the sink for about 3 hours. I didn’t even forget to put it in the fridge overnight!

Because of my revised plan, I had to go back to the store and buy the things I wanted to stuff the bird with, which was now, not stuffing (thank God… and you will see why). I even got some butcher string. The butcher gave me an excessive amount ‘just in case of a mistake’, and I scoffed at his lack of trust at my trussing ability.

I am now in love with that butcher.

We have the turkey. It is thawed. It is ready to be dressed.

Unfortunately, we were robbed.

Our Turkey had been disfigured. Our Turkey was missing the wing tip of one of it’s legs. You know, the wing tip you tuck in back of the chicken? You know, the wing tip that keeps the wings close to the bird for even cooking.

What do you do with that? One tucked wing and one flopping around? This thing is going to be spinning at an unknown velocity for 4 HOURS! Could I pin it? What do you pin it with? A nail? That seemed rather barbaric. It was truley a dilemma.

In comes the extra butchers twine I was given.

Did I say that I love that Butcher?

I completely desecrated the ‘turkey dinner image’. Impressions be gone, it is now all about tenderness and flavor. I tied that turkey up like a woman ‘trussed’ across the railroad tracks. There were 3 strings crossing the breast… to start off with. An absolute abberation in the turkey cooking world.

Shrug.

I then stuffed the turkey with garlic, lemon, rosemary, thyme, onion, apple, and carrot. I packed it in. I mean packed. Of course, with a rotisserie, you gotta figure out a way to get the rotisserie rod from one end to the other. (Side note: Much harder in a turkey than a chicken).

Got her done…

Can I say right here… never try a new cooking technique on ‘The Day’? Can I also say that at this point I am glad it’s only the two of us witnessing this reckage… This ruin?

I hefted the whole stuffed thing onto the rotisserie and plugged in the heating element and the ‘turner’… for lack of a better word.

There is no way to make a raw turkey look appealing. No way.

The motor of this rotisserie has one speed. It definitely goes faster with a 4 pound chicken than a 13 pound turkey. Unbeknownst to me, it also increases in volume with the load. It sounded like a jet engine was constantly taking off in our kitchen. The amount of time was about 4 hours, but because of ‘the issues’,the time was extended.

Issue #1:

A rotisserie turns. Because it turns, stuff inside moves. Because it moves, the weight can become lopsided. A that point, you have to just go with it.

Issue #2:

A lopsided turkey on a rotisserie spins, well… Lopsided. This is not good for the turkey, much less the motor. Again, you have no choice and you just go with it.

Issue #3: A lopsided Turkey on a rotisserie not only spins at differing speeds, but at some point there is a free fall that develops, which of course, increases the movement of the ingredients inside.

Issue #4: The ‘Ker-Plop’, ‘Ker-Plunk’ of the stuffings falling out is not something easily ignored. You will find that you can’t ‘just go with it’.

Issue #5: The cavity of a Turkey will shrink back, causing any temporary closing (tooth picks, skewers, etc…) to fail… Ker-plunking more of the said ingredients onto your drip pan.

The answer: More Butchers twine of course!

We have accepted that it will look like hell, but it will still be good… Right?. Again, it’s all about flavor and tenderness. Flavor, and tenderness.

I try an unsucsessfull attempt at tying the large hole end that is dropping the stuffing to no avail. I am at a loss.

Ker-plunk.

Spud walks in, takes one look, and suggests stuffing the hole with foil! OHMYGAWD…that is actually genius!

Seven attempts later and one more tie around the whole turkey (picture the girl across the tracks), we are on our way to the ugliest turkey I have ever cooked.

It's Working!

Still holding!

Ugliest thing ever!

Dr. It Up! Not so ugly now!

After eating, we really had to agree… Beauty is only skin deep!